Turning Over
New year. New you?
Every year at this time I get out my journal, or some other sort of writing materials, and do a review of the past year, and make some plans for the next one. Needless to say, that process was… interesting last year, and feels eerily similar this time around. What happened this year? Not bloody much. What do I want to do next year? Well, depends — what CAN I do next year given a pandemic and all manner of economic, climatological and sociopolitical fuckery that I can’t control?
I’m noticing something else this year, though, and I wonder if I’m the only one. I’ve been abnormally stuck for months (my three subscribers have probably noticed I’ve written almost nothing here, and I haven’t done much anywhere else either). I sit down at my desk and no synapses fire. I have so much resistance around doing what I need to do that nothing happens at all, not even the things I would normally enjoy doing.
And as I review my year, I find myself realizing how frustrated I am that nothing is happening. Partly it’s that I’m not doing anything, and partly it’s that the whole world feels like it’s just sitting there, stuck, unable to move forward. I’m also realizing that most of what I’m resisting doing is stuff that I really want to be DONE, so instead of looking AT it, I’m looking PAST it.
So when I start thinking about plans for 2022, I want to plan and scheme and dream about what happens after all the current stuff is done. I want to skip right over it and get to the good stuff, whatever that is, that comes next.
And lo and behold, I can’t come up with anything!
I’m noticing the pressure of the great American go-getter culture that says “you gotta set up that big audacious goal you’re gonna tackle next year.” “Make your resolutions.” “Set your sights on greatness.” “New year, new you!” (OMG y’all, how many commercials for weight loss programs have you seen in the last 24 hours?) And I’m just. Not. Feeling it.
My “there’s a fine line between an ‘aha’ moment and a ‘DUH’ moment” came when I realized that I’m not moving forward because I’m trying too hard to move forward. What I really need to do this January is give myself permission to really, truly rest. To stop beating myself up for not working well or fast or efficiently. I need to take some time to be in these doldrums that I’m in, look some of these languishing projects straight in the computer screen and show up for them. I need to spend my January finishing 2021. And only when I have done that — when I have given myself the time and space to fulfill these present and past commitments — will I be able to look forward to what comes after.
I freely admit this post is for me first. But maybe you have the same thing, or something kind of like it going on. Maybe this year was tough for you. It was tough for a lot of people I know. And maybe you’re not any more ready than I am to grab 2022 by whatever you grab a year by, and make it your “best year ever.” Maybe all you need to do in 2022 is just keep being the awesome person you already are. Maybe 2022 is a year you need to slow down, or goof off more, or take better care of yourself. Maybe it’s all of those things.
Even in America, it is not actually required that we all be Type A on Crack 100% of the time. And it is REALLY not required that we beat ourselves up mercilessly for the days we rest or put our own needs first or don’t quite manage to be Supermom. Whatever it is that you need to do for your own peace in 2022, whether that’s climbing a mountain or taking more bubble baths, let the peace be the focus. Even if your goal is big and audacious, the point of doing it is how it feels to achieve it, not the goal itself.
Anyway, that’s what I need to do.
I wish you a peaceful, prosperous, and very Happy New Year!
